20 Years Ago

Back in 2004...

In 2004, I was an outwardly functional adult person. I was married to a lovely woman, had a great job with a hot company of the time, lived in a cute house and drove a cool car. In 2004, I traveled to Italy with my wife, and to India with both of our moms and dads. Normal stuff with no waving red flags that others could see.

Work was good! I had great teammates and had good mobility in the company I was at, learning many different domains with excellent mentors. I bounced between engineer and manager, but really was uncomfortable in the manager role. I didn't know what to do. Nobody was like "here's the manual on how to love the job of manager." It was more like "Congrats on being an effective engineer, now you're the manager." I tried my best but looking back I was working with an incomplete toolkit.

I didn't do any sort of exercise. We ate a healthy diet, but I was heavier than any other time in my life. Exercise was not anything I ever considered at all.

Internally, I was unhappy and empty yet had no idea that I was actually unhappy and empty. A dominant physical feeling of the time was that of being tired, eyes burning, feeling run down. Just run down. I always wanted to lay down and close my eyes.

Brief Rewind to 2001

I had become this person after a terrifying health scare three years earlier in 2001 where after ...yadda yadda... a chest x-ray, a doctor told me I had lung cancer and "don't worry about it we can just cut the bad parts out" while anything I read about lung cancer said "100% fatal".

I lived this reality for six weeks until a CT scan showed what I was dealing with was not in my lungs[1]. But during that six weeks, I was a wreck in a fetal position on the couch. My parents were very supportive. My wife eventually ran out of patience and told me to get myself together because I was just a doomsday mess. In some ways she was right, but I was facing my own mortality and that's how I reacted -- by playing dead. At that point, her emotional support stopped and I became even more ashamed and afraid.

I'm pretty sure this experience broke me. Thinking about myself before that time, I was funner and not afraid of everything. Life was an easy jog of day-to-day ignorance. I didn't spend much time thinking all about what could possibly go wrong, or obsessing over "what ifs" in a situation.

This health scare was a trauma. I lost all trust in doctors. They just had too much power and could use it recklessly. I was filled with seething anxiety every time I would think about a doctor. I still do (2024) to some degree.

Back to 2004

So even three years after that health incident in 2001, I was living in an anxious fog. During that time, I developed a lump in a sensitive place on my body and was simultaneously terrified by what it could be and what the experience of having it diagnosed would be. It ended up being benign[2]. However, there was this reminder day in and day out that I should be worried sick about being stupid and scared. All the time. Like I said, this broke me.

I did not have the relationship with anyone else, even my wife, to talk about this. I knew she would be like "Look dummy, just get it checked. Stop being a baby." -- not those exact words but that's exactly the message that needs to be communicated (kindly or not) and I would surely be compelled to go to the doctor.

I was equally terrified of the thing and the process of diagnosing the thing, so I was completely stuck with no support, in a situation of my own making.

Being steeped in fear of having to face the truth all day every day for a dozen years was not good for me. I had never imagined the process of finding the truth can be more painful than the truth itself, but here I was, changed to be ruled by fear.

This made me build barriers with people (my wife included), for fear of being found out. My enjoyment of the wonderful things we experienced that year was dampened by my own distraction and anxiety. We toured some of the most incredible places in Italy, saw an F1 race at Imola, and I just remember feeling like a zombie. In India, I was very very uncomfortable. Everything was the opposite of what I was used to. Chaos everywhere. With my elevated anxiety level, this reduced my enthusiasm for the trip. I just went along and dealt with it, but wasn't the participant I would be today.

I remember just being hyper-focused on getting through whatever was happening in the moment (literally anything and everything) to be able to move on to whatever was next. Repeat joylessly.

Fast Forward to 2024

Here in 2024, I feel like a far more awake, aware, engaged person than I was in 2004. I think some of this comes from the poignant life experiences in that timespan (becoming a father, losing a father-in-law, having another child, getting divorced, the subsequent personal reinvention, raising kids as a single parent, retirement) have all taught me lessons in life and love. Working with a therapist for the last 9 years has helped me to learn about myself and about feelings in general from new angles. I love this time with my therapist Daniela to explore situations and reason through healthy responses. So worth it.

It sounds cliche, but my kids have taught me the greatest lessons of my life. Because of Marina and Naomi, I know what unconditional love really is. They have taught me to notice and appreciate differences in people and amplify their beauty. These lessons carry through to every corner of my life and help me to connect with people and really enjoy that connection. They have taught me about the mutual benefit to leading with vulnerability and showing that it's OK to open up with each other. We're all feeling pain inside and it's ok to share it.

Even back in 2004, I was comfortable talking with anyone, but today I feel like I'm able to quickly connect with people at a far more meaningful level, just by being real and honest and curious and compassionate about what they're dealing with.

I've learned to care for the workings of my body through exercise. I got into running in 2013, and did several 50K trail races until 2017, along with some serious bike rides and races. I am nowhere near as fit today as I was during that time, but still put 10-15 miles a week running trails. I really love it and hope that I can continue for a long time. It's a part of me now that didn't exist back then.

Doctors still give me anxiety, but I have managed to get checkups on my own volition and have managed to gain confidence each time, especially since finding a PCP with a personality that is good for me.

At work, I have learned some specific things that I particularly enjoy and am good at. These mostly revolve around how product development teams work, and structures to build an organization that exudes a growth mindset, an indefinitely sustainable pace, embraces the ever-changing nature of our environments, and a focus on the needs that inspire the product. The hope is to positively affect the lives of many people and help them to find success in great product ideas through skillful and enjoyable execution.

My learning lately has brought me into some fascinating areas of human and societal behavior[3]. A lot of these patterns we exhibit are exhibited by all living creatures. Studying more, understanding better, and getting a handle on where our animal instincts serve us and hinder us will help us to build better societies. Coupling this with looking with open eyes at how capitalism has run rampant into places it doesn't belong, and how our system marginalizes and squeezes people and opens them up to destructive figures who prey on their anger and fear (see animal behavior connection above).

Overall I feel like over the last 20 years I have found another 80% of life. Prior to that, I was existing, and doing things that I should be doing, but I was empty and incomplete. It's not that I'm complete now, but just in comparison with my current state and all the facets of existence that I now know exist. This is a life I am looking forward to seeing what beauty can grow in it and how I can participate, rather than dreading each gray day.

Looking ahead to retired life, I really am excited about using what I love and what I know and what I'm good at to make something significant. I have no idea what this can be at this point, but I know what kind of output I'm capable of, especially when my heart is behind it, and I'm excited about that possibility.

[1] It was a thankfully transient autoimmune issue that made some lymph nodes swell and become painful occasionally, but it passed quietly after a few months with no treatment.

[2] It was a wayward gland that serves a function in the digestive system that I won't get into. Somehow it was extra or in the wrong spot and made its way just under the skin. Kind of rare according to the nice doc who eventually excised it 13 years after it appeared.

[3] Primarily Robert Sapolsky, Richard Dawkins, and Michael Sandel.